Thursday, December 4, 2008

Oh crap!

Another depressing post, so skip it if you don't want to hear it!

I am still miserable, but trying to keep moving. It's hard, but I know things could be worse, although at times I don't feel like they can be. Everything kind of happened at once, and all I wanted was Gunner home to tell me everything will be alright. Although he tried while thousands of miles away, it just wasn't the same. Thanks for all the emails, messages of support, etc. They all made me cry even more.

I got my first Christmas card today. My friend is a journalist and has time to write a card complete with the letter--guys, I love the letters, so keep them coming! I was excited to get my first one and thought about how I should think about getting one out in about 3 weeks. Then the "oh crap!" hit me when I realized that Christmas is a mere 3 weeks away.

I have no tree up. Very few presents bought. No Christmas picture of the kids for a card, and I haven't sent a box to Gunner yet. So the "oh crap!" feeling hit again.

Want to know how I got to feeling even worse? Gunner called Thursday night--11 missed calls. He never calls that much. He asked me if I would be home on the 13th. I told him I didn't know, but I could be--I was starting to think he was going to come home, which was way too early and is not a good sign. I started to feel sick, and he assured me everything was okay, but that he couldn't get his item to arrive the following Wednesday.

The following Wed? Why? What was it? Keep talking Gunner. What am I not getting here.

Oh crap! It's our anniversary on the 17th! I thought he was supposed to be the one who forgets. Score 1 for Gunner. To my defense he is usually gone on our anniversary. He missed the first one deployed to Bosnia for a year, and now will miss our 14th one this year. He's probably been around for a handful in between. I don't remember him getting me anything any other anniversary either, so this was a shock. The boy must be saving his $40 a MONTH allowance--you read that husband gets $40 a month while deployed. On the bright side, he is up from the $25 he got the first two deployments. I don't get the guys who spend hundreds of dollars while deployed, every.single.month. Crazy I tell you.

Em really wants a nintendo ds, but I just don't see that happening--way out of my price range. Abs is undecided on what she wants, but I am sure it will include dinosaurs. Junior would be happy with a nintendo ds box, a new supply of binkies and a gallon of pedialyte, his favorite drink. He's still way into barney and my friend Abbey has more than filled our lives with that singing and dancing purple dinosaur. (I really don't mind Barney, although I would prefer Amazing Race or something a little more exciting!)

I have decided that I am not a strong person. Even when I try to get everything for everyone done, someone will focus on the one thing that I have to let slide and make a point of saying how important it is. I spend more time crying than not. This is not the type of person I used to be.

I feel like I have spent so much time trying to get things better for me, for Gunner, and our little family. Instead I always seem to fall short. It's not a good feeling. But I know that what is most important is Gunner and the kids, so I'll try to focus on that. So if you don't get a Christmas card, if the kids don't get exactly what they want for Christmas, if the tree isn't put up until we are on Christmas break, hopefully everyone will at least remember that I tried my best and that I poured my heart into everything that I did.

So Gunner, I am sorry that you won't have a Christmas box on time, but know that we love you with all of our hearts, and we are counting down the days till you are home again!


The Mrs. said...

you know what you can only do what you can do. I had this revelation while flyboy was away last spring (I have to try to remember it daily but still its a start). I have to wake up and take care of my kids every day, I have to give them and my husband my love and support, I have to pay our bills and the basic stuff to keep us all alive and well. Do I have to call my inlaws back within 20 mins of their call (oh hell who are we kidding within a week!), do I have to mop the floors to make them spotless daily (again who are we kidding), do I have to kill myself running on the treadmill nightly? No I just have to do what I can. And that means that somethings just wont get done. Allow yourself that slack and really, know that you are not alone in this. (I'm thinking of doing new years cards not christmas cards the only reason being I dont think the xmas ones will be out in time!)

And you are strong. Or at least I think so and quite frankly my opinion is fabulous if I may say so. : )

Gunner said...

You are the strongest person I know. I tried to tell you before that being an army wife wouldn’t be easy. You have learned to roll with the punches. Sometimes I had to lean on you for support. I guess it’s my turn. Keep your head up and take one day at a time. I’ll be home before you know it. You are the love of my life. You are the sticky-tak that’s keeping the rest of us together. I love you and miss you with all of my heart.

Uncle Dan said...

Always remember which family you are from, we take care of ours.

We have no Christmas tree, no presents bought yet, don't know where we will celebrate it yet and really don't worry about it. And of course our wedding anniversary is never remembered except when we wake on the morning of December 26th and say "Happy Anniversary" to each other.

Gypsy at heart said...

Believe me, I feel much the same way!

Abbey said...

Well... I am here and right down the road for support. And I have a whole OTHER bad of Barney stuff for Junior!!!! Yea!!! A plate and books and stuffed ones. Yippee!! LOL...

armywife said...

that oh crap feeling is something that i cannot get to go away. your blog helps me a ton. i am new to this army wife thing and reading you doing this with 3 kids and 14 years later. my hat is off to you. well your words encourage me to keep moving and they help me realize i can do this. i just started my own blog. check it out...

Anonymous said...

Look at the step - not the stairwell.

I don't even aim for Christmas cards. For awhile I sent out Valentine's day cards in lieu of them - they certainly got more attention then...less competition. Haven't even done that for years;)

There is no such thing as a perfect wife/mother/career-woman/insert name of whatever is making you feel inadequate here. There just isn't. You are too hard on yourself.

Miss Ladybug said...

Just tell yourself you're going a little retro on the tree ;-) Used to be, decorating the Christmas tree was a Christmas Eve activity... That was long before the advent of artificial trees. I've got most of my shopping done - I try to start early, so I don't have to spend all the money all at once (I have a big extended family I exchange with). Still haven't gotten around to the Christmas cards. Years ago, I used to handwrite them all, but no more - I print my mailing labels, I do up a "year in review" letter (which might not happen this time - I feel like a bit of a failure right now, and don't feel like putting all that into a letter for posterity), and sign each card and letter. I brought the cards along while I'm cat-sitting for my sister this week, but I've spent this evening working on a cross-stitch that is intended for my best friend and her husband for Christmas. I think that's going to be late... I still haven't wrapped a single gift, much less gotten anything in the mail for the ones I won't actually be seeing on Christmas. I'd better get a move-on, too.