Oh crap!

Another depressing post, so skip it if you don't want to hear it!

I am still miserable, but trying to keep moving. It's hard, but I know things could be worse, although at times I don't feel like they can be. Everything kind of happened at once, and all I wanted was Gunner home to tell me everything will be alright. Although he tried while thousands of miles away, it just wasn't the same. Thanks for all the emails, messages of support, etc. They all made me cry even more.

I got my first Christmas card today. My friend is a journalist and has time to write a card complete with the letter--guys, I love the letters, so keep them coming! I was excited to get my first one and thought about how I should think about getting one out in about 3 weeks. Then the "oh crap!" hit me when I realized that Christmas is a mere 3 weeks away.

I have no tree up. Very few presents bought. No Christmas picture of the kids for a card, and I haven't sent a box to Gunner yet. So the "oh crap!" feeling hit again.

Want to know how I got to feeling even worse? Gunner called Thursday night--11 missed calls. He never calls that much. He asked me if I would be home on the 13th. I told him I didn't know, but I could be--I was starting to think he was going to come home, which was way too early and is not a good sign. I started to feel sick, and he assured me everything was okay, but that he couldn't get his item to arrive the following Wednesday.

The following Wed? Why? What was it? Keep talking Gunner. What am I not getting here.

Oh crap! It's our anniversary on the 17th! I thought he was supposed to be the one who forgets. Score 1 for Gunner. To my defense he is usually gone on our anniversary. He missed the first one deployed to Bosnia for a year, and now will miss our 14th one this year. He's probably been around for a handful in between. I don't remember him getting me anything any other anniversary either, so this was a shock. The boy must be saving his $40 a MONTH allowance--you read that right.....my husband gets $40 a month while deployed. On the bright side, he is up from the $25 he got the first two deployments. I don't get the guys who spend hundreds of dollars while deployed, every.single.month. Crazy I tell you.

Em really wants a nintendo ds, but I just don't see that happening--way out of my price range. Abs is undecided on what she wants, but I am sure it will include dinosaurs. Junior would be happy with a nintendo ds box, a new supply of binkies and a gallon of pedialyte, his favorite drink. He's still way into barney and my friend Abbey has more than filled our lives with that singing and dancing purple dinosaur. (I really don't mind Barney, although I would prefer Amazing Race or something a little more exciting!)

I have decided that I am not a strong person. Even when I try to get everything for everyone done, someone will focus on the one thing that I have to let slide and make a point of saying how important it is. I spend more time crying than not. This is not the type of person I used to be.

I feel like I have spent so much time trying to get things better for me, for Gunner, and our little family. Instead I always seem to fall short. It's not a good feeling. But I know that what is most important is Gunner and the kids, so I'll try to focus on that. So if you don't get a Christmas card, if the kids don't get exactly what they want for Christmas, if the tree isn't put up until we are on Christmas break, hopefully everyone will at least remember that I tried my best and that I poured my heart into everything that I did.

So Gunner, I am sorry that you won't have a Christmas box on time, but know that we love you with all of our hearts, and we are counting down the days till you are home again!