Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Deployment Question #23--Inlaws

It's Monday, and I am finally watching Army Wives.

Who really calls is maneuvers?

Anyway, the part about Jeremy telling his mother that he wants to reenlist, but he won't do it unless his mother says it's okay...

Does your MIL have anything to do with your husband reenlisting?

Mine doesn't, plain and simple.  She would never even offer her advice, but that's a whole other long story...

Does yours?  Did she when he was single?

Does the war make your inlaws want their son home all the time?  Every leave or R&R?  It also brings up the question of reenlistment ceremonies.  I think I was involved in Germany, once, but other than that, I don't think I ever attended.

One thing I was surprised of when I was in Germany, was the number of people that sent money home to their family to live.  I guess I was too sheltered, but I never even imagined that was a possibility.  Did I mention my parents kept me sheltered?

Anyway, back to my question(s).  How much interaction do you have with the outlaws when your Soldier is gone?  Are they in on the homecoming and the departure?

I have a strange relationship with my outlaws.  They did something totally unimaginable a few years ago.  It was horrible.  They have been forgiven, but it has not been forgotten.

When they moved to Killeen, I tried to be open-minded.  They did step up to the plate and went above and beyond in helping me while Gunner was gone.  My MIL arranged her schedule around my teaching schedule so that she could pick up the kids if they were sick.  When Junior cracked his head open, they were there.  If the kids were sick, they would deliver groceries.  Right after Junior was born, they asked for my grocery list every Sunday and would deliver groceries.  I was reluctant at first, but finally realized with three kids, I needed help.

I did notice that my inlaws supply me with a lot of wine when we see them.... coincidence?

I have found that it is best for us to communicate via text messages.  I'm not one to ask for help, but a quick text message when I am stressed out resulted in inlaws at my door within an hour taking my kids bowling, feeding them, and returning them home exhausted (the kids too).

This deployment will be different because my inlaws aren't here, and they haven't texted me but maybe once about 6 months ago.  I wonder if it is out of sight-out of mind?  Guess we will find out!

Let me know how you deal with the outlaws while your Soldier is gone, I will probably need the advice!


Anonymous said...

I do not get along too well with my MIL. My step FIL is a pretty nice guy but he tends to stay out of stuff for the most part, it is like he doesn't know where he stands because of some events and stuff. (another story, another time, maybe).

But my MIL has NOTHING to do with our decision for my husband to stay in or get out or change jobs or whatever. In fact, we tend to keep our parents (mine and his) out of the loop for the most part just because they do not understand and when we try to explain they get even more confused.

We don't talk to her very much either, even when we lived in the same city as she does, she didn't want the contact with us. Every once in awhile she texts one of us in the middle of the night. Which is super annoying and if it wasn't for my hubs having to keep his phone on it would not be!

When my husband was guard and got mobilized (he was going to be 3 hours away! That's it, not all the way around the world.) she wanted to go sign a paper saying that she would not let him go and he was her only son, her only kid, and blah blah blah. Now she talks out of her butt! We don't tell her details of where he was/is when deployed because she is one of those people that tells everything she knows and doesn't think about who she is talking to or what that person could potentially do.

We keep all parentals out of the departure and homecoming, that is for our family. For us, we need that time to say good bye, or hey there!

d.a.r. said...

I love my inlaws. They drive me crazy, for sure, but no crazier than my own parents!

My MIL was seriously medicated on some happy pills during Z's deployment. She is a touch...um, er, well, overemotional? Hypersensitive? Looney?

So, for our deployment, it was all about me supporting her. My FIL had his hands full with her and couldn't be of much use to me. I don't know if either of them ever checked in on me, unless it was to see if I had heard from Z yet. It was baaaaddd. But, I don't have kids, so I didn't really need the help, I supposer :)

Jeannette said...

It's a bit strange for us. I don't mind my in laws but my hubby hates his mom so sometimes its awkward. She is under the impression that he LOVES her. I'm not sure how things will work out during this deployment. She wanted to come visit this summer and DH was completely against it. She didn't care what he thought, or blocked it out... not sure... but thankfully she decided it wasn't a good time.

Erin said...

I "get along" with them. However, we have issues. Usually when he is deployed she calls me once a week, and I call her back about every other time. I am considering stretching that. I find email works best, that was I don't have to talk to her on the phone.

Ashley said...

My mother-in-law visits us once a year! She sent a horrible email to my husband when he was deployed saying that I am taking this deployment horrible and that I need to chill out. Funny she thought I was taking it horrible, considering that she never called me. Well ok, maybe a few times. She tries to tell my husband to get out and I try to tell her that there is no way in you know what that it will happen. She wants us to PCS to the state where she lives. BUt she only makes one trip a year to come see us? HHHMMM, I think not. She used to look up David's pay grade and tell us what we could afford and how to spend our money! KID YOU NOT!!

My husband would never ask her opinion about reenlisting or anything related to the military for that matter. Homecomings are just the kids and I. THe way I see it, we are the ones who had to handle David being gone and he is getting all of our attention. I am not sharing!! Maybe it would be different if family lived here or his mom was active in our lives. But that isn't the case.

Right now she is trying to arrange her yearly trip here and when she can come my husband has exercises or inspections and will be working 12 hours shifts and weekends. She is still planning on coming! UGH!!

Wow, can you tell that this is a hot topic!

Kasey said...

My MIL passed away when my husband was 16 but I hear she was a pretty cool lady.

My father-in-law on the other hand... he too did something terrible a few years ago when my husband was in BCT (along the lines of accusing me of robbing him and threatening to call the cops- I was 7 months pregnant at the time and doubt I could have be so stealthy) and that was the end of my relationship with that man. My husband probably only talks to him about once every few months and I prefer it that way.

He doesn't do anything for anyone that doesn't benefit him so I very much doubt he would be any help to me even if I let him. He doesn't like my husband being in the military, however. All the more reason for my husband to reenlist, honestly. That man was a big reason he joined in the first place.

Julie the Army Wife said...

I really get along with my MIL. She had no say about joining the Army the 2nd time and I am pretty sure she didn't the 1st time either. But she supports him and the decision. She is apart of a MOMS group for mothers of servicemen and women. There hasn't ever been a chance for her to be at homecoming but knowing her she would not try to take my place or anything. I think I am pretty blessed there.

Mel said...

Al's "parents" is his father and step-mother, and I get along with them great! While Al's been on deployment I've tried to keep them updated every month and visit them every few months.

I think the thing about sending money home to live is especially true when you're younger and don't have a family of your own. I know a couple of guys who are also military who send their parents a certain amount of their income to help them pay the bills. Theses guys are young 20's and don't have any of their own bills to pay; make oodles more when they deploy; and know their parents are struggling.

As far as whether Al's parents have any say in what he does with the military or those decisions that go along with it, absolutely not. Al is a grown man and might tell his parents what his decisions are, but they don't really get a say. When he originally enlisted, he told them the day he left for bootcamp.

That said, they are also not involved in much of the ceremonial stuff. They didn't visit him for graduation nad they haven't mentioned any desire to be a part of homecoming. The only thing at this point it that, since Al and I are still not married, they are in charge of his POA, life insurance, and they get "the call." So, there's some forced involvement on their end.

L.C. said...

My MIL calls almost every day when hubby is deployed to pretty much rub in my face how I have it so easy since we are air force and when SHE was an ARMY wife, yadda, yadda, yadda. She's nosey about everything that goes on and yells at me when I can't tell her details and pretty much makes me feel like crap and I don't know her son at all. But when hubby returns she pulls the "I barely know you wife, why won't she drive the 18hours to visit me (I am not old enough to fly and rent a car) yadda yadda yadda. So my MIL is a NIGHTMARE

BryceandWhit said...

My MIL had NO say in my husband joining at all... We told her he was doing it and no one can say anything to change his mind...I have a not to good relationship with her... I feel that I love her more the less I talk to her so I just try not to comunicate with her that much... Wow I sound horrible... My FIL on the other hand I loved that man so much! To bad he passed away 2 years ago:(

Alexandra said...

hey! =) I haven't gone through a deployment yet (though i will be soon.) but I know how you feel. I've never had an amazing relationship with my in-laws and when my husband was away for basic training, it was awkward interacting with them. but they are family none the less! I'm sure you'll survive just fine! Or at least I hope... lol. Good luck! =)

Adrienne said...

OH man. So here I am... Soon to be a new Army Wife...
I haven't even really thought of the effects of inlaws yet!
I live in Oregon... My soon to be MIL lives in Africa/Texas (She's a missionary) and my soon to be FIL lives in Colorado... I don't really see them being too much of a problem. I am slowly getting to know my soon to be MIL via Email, but I have no idea about the soon to be FIL.
One good thing is that my two soon to be brother in laws both live in Oregon and we spend a great deal of time together! :) So that is nice! We all get along well. My soon to be sister in law lives in chicago, so we'll see about that one too!
I don't think the inlaws are going to be a problem at all. Wish that the MIL would be easier to access... but hopefully it will come with time!